So it's nearly Christmas and I have nothing new to show for the time that has lapsed since my last entry...
This is bad - I have lost my creative mojo - work life has consumed my every waking moment and it sucks! I get home from my day job that pays the bills & puts food on the table but it also sucks all my energy away like a black hole - I wish I could find a way out of this sarlack pit! I have gotten to that point where I know I need to do something about it for my own mental health - I have just had 2 weeks away form work and while it has had it's own stresses - gotta love family life with a 2 and a half year old monster and a 42 year old child who refuses to join the adult world - the bliss of not having to deal with workplace drama has been uplifting (but also a tad devastating)! It has made me realise that I really do need a career change and that I needed it, like, 6 months ago. We are trying for a second child - glutton for punishment I know! - but it is also proving difficult and there is a high potential that it may not happen at all. To put it simply - I am old and with a rather significant birthday coming up in a couple of weeks this has brought all my stresses of family life, work life, perceived lack of personal achievement and all manner of other anxieties into a very singular focus. So much so that I am feeling more lost now that when I freaked out about reaching my 30's - I'm not in denial about growing old at all - honest! So many "what if" scenarios running through my head or "what happens when" and to be honest it's exhausting but as with any brain stimulation I also can't find the OFF button. One thing I did do was apply for a job as a Gallery Assistant - I may not get but it but what I came to realise is that I really want to get back into the arts field somehow and while it may not be as a prolific creator maybe it's as an administrator-labourer-volunteer-assistant type person. Maybe that is my teleportation device out of the black hole that seems to have nearly swallowed me whole. Either way it has made be look at opportunities in a completely different light and maybe I just need to really get out of my comfort zone and find that weird and quirky job that isn't my usual 9-5 (not that it ever is!) so that I can save what is left of my sanity and passion for creating. I still don't know where or how this will happen - all I know is that it must happen - its almost like a preemptive New Years Resolution but its more of a life revelation. Leave a Reply. |
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December 2019
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